So you want to make a Sonic the Hedgehog movie, huh Sony?
I don’t blame you. Despite recent entries in the franchise, Sonic remains one of gamings most beloved and recognizable characters among Mario and Pikachu. And yes, the very thought of a Sonic movie in 2014 may seem like the most cynical of all cash-grabs, but The Lego Movie taught us that cynical cash-grabs don’t have to be terrible.
Who is this piece addressed to? Well, in short, anyone involved with making the movie. At this point, even SEGA doesn’t know how to make Sonic likable. I’m not exactly an expert in the subject either, but the Blue Blur ruled my life from ages 8-12. I made my mom take me to countless Party City’s trying to find the elusive Sonic costume. I watched my The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog VHS tape until it wore out. And yes, I played and even enjoyed Sonic 3D Blast.
Making this movie will take some serious nerd-level delicacy. One wrong move and it will – and I believe this is an industry term – “go to shit.” Here are a few tips to mitigate such an event from happening.
1. Punk, Not Douche
Ever since Sonic was given the ability to talk in his games, he became a smiling idiot who was always enthusiastic about nothing and who probably wore too much AXE Deodorant Body Spray.
When Sonic arrived on the scene in 1991 he was dare I say it, punk. From his hair, to his pro-Flicky anti-Robot stance Sonic had more attitude than former SEGA mascot Alex Kid and Nintendo mascot Mario ever had.
I don’t care if the Sonic on screen is fat like pre-Sonic Adventure Sonic, but do us a favor and not make him a completely detestable shit-talking frat boy.
2. Go Campy, or Go Home
Stories in Sonic games used to be pretty simple. Evil egg-shaped scientific mastermind captures forest animals to power his evil machines. Blue hedgehog with the power to run real fast must save the animals and stop evil egg-shaped scientific mastermind and set the world right. It really shouldn’t be more complicated than that.
No demons, no princesses, and no Shadow the Hedgehog. Sonic should remain lighthearted. All attempts to make a “serious” Sonic story can be found in your nearest trash pile (See Sonic ’06). However, not everything has to be lighthearted. Which brings us to….
3. Juxtaposition Position
Dr. Robotnik is perhaps as iconic as Sonic. Notice I didn’t call him “Eggman.” No, I don’t care that he was always referred to as “Eggman” in Japan. Even though Sonic and friends should remain campy cartoon characters, Dr. Ivo Robotnik should be the one serious part of the entire movie. He should be played by a human; a well seasoned actor type human who is capable of playing villains.
Robotnik shouldn’t be a typical mustache-twirler, despite having a pretty epic ‘stache. He should be a villain with only the nastiest motivations. Perhaps he’s a respected scientific mind whose gone bad, and wants to start using his animal powered robots to conquer the world. His seriousness should juxtapose wonderfully with the surrounding cast of Looney Toons that are doing their very best to stop him.
4. No Peanut Gallery
No Rouge the Bat, no Sharky the Shark, and I can’t stress this enough: absolutely no Shadow the Hedgehog. I know your parent company wants to shovel out as many action figures as they can. Fight it. Fight to the death if you have to. Here are the following main cast Sonic characters that should be allowed to the party:
- Sonic
- Tails
- Maybe Knuckles (if he behaves)
But really, you’re safer with just Sonic and Tails. Knuckles would fit in quite nicely in a sequel (knock on wood) especially if you’re going to stick to the classic Sonic canon.
The production is in good hands, especially when it comes to the writers.The script will be written by Evan Susser and Van Robichaux, two Upright Citizen Brigade alums. Funny screenwriters give me hope that the screenplay will in fact be light-hearted, just as it should be.
History is against us when it comes to video game movies, from Super Mario to Resident Evil. I honestly can’t think of what else to say to help you, Sonic movie guys. Despite the fact that Sonic games continue to break my heart, I have plenty of faith when it comes to the Sonic movie.
Please, please, please don’t break our hearts. [❤]